The most observant, less charitable individuals might say avaricious, among you probably noticed something missing from my description of the holidays. That's right, presents! Specifically that most vital ingredient of the holiday season, the right presents. Take presents away from the holidays and what do you have really? Gathering with those unfortunates who share the same ancestry as you to celebrate your love of oddly prickly trees festooned with shiny baubles. At least that is the impression I got from several ads I received shortly after Christmas from various shops catering to those that didn't get what they wanted and needed to purchase it for themselves.
Luckily for all those who have ever silently suffered through yet another addition argyle addition to their wardrobe because it would be impolite to turn down the beneficence of a certain relation, I was inspired to action by those ads. It became clear to me right then and there that the outdated method of knowing the recipient well enough to choose a pleasing gift simply won't do. It's a terrible lot of work, and not even near 100% accurate. Clearly science needs to step in and assist with the only logical answer, the Giftometer!
The Giftometer is a theoretical device which would offer visual and possibly auditory cues as to the appropriateness of nearby items as gifts for a specific individual. Naturally it would first have to be calibrated for a particular individual, most likely via temporary attachment and draining of non-essential material for analysis. Traditionally science tends to favor bodily fluids or brainwaves, nothing anyone will miss, of course. Hopefully the device could be made highly portable, though the first generation apparatus will most likely be room sized, as per standard scientific operating procedure.
If you are puzzled why I would liken such an opportunity to iron pyrite, allow me to explain. Before I explain that, however, allow me to address the group that is confused about iron pyrite alone due to a lack of essential mineral knowledge. I would like to suggest a book on the subject of mineralogy for the perusal of those of you who fit into this category, however, when I searched for such a book on Amazon, the search engine helpfully crossed out "knowledge" and pointed me toward "Salted: A Manifesto on the World's Most Essential Mineral, with Recipes". One hopes that salt is not the essential ingredient in said recipes, but I digress.
Since it appears knowledge is not one of the commodities which Amazon provides, I will offer a much more limited insight into the fascinating world of mineralogy before moving on. Iron pyrite is commonly known as fool's gold and is often thought of as worthless, but in the right hands it is actually quite profitable. Those right hands can form it into $162 pyramids like this one:
The assisted gift selection industry is similar in obvious ways to iron pyrite, yet it's market is completely untapped. The only assistance services I know of are offered by your friends, and they may just be out to make you look bad and waste your money. I would like to take their place in this matter and
*Scientific breakthroughs are often achieved as a side effect of an unrelated endeavor, or sometimes through dreaming. Thus my research methods include plenty of time spent on seemingly random internet surfing, eating bagels, and sleeping.
**Everyone else is likely to get one of these devices approximately never. My calculator breaks when I try to calculate never + slightly sooner, but I'm sure that's just a bug and the true mathematical result would leave you very impressed with your chances.
***What are you reading this footnote for? There isn't even a *** marker anywhere in the text!
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