Thursday, October 21, 2010

A Review of Surveys

Facebook surveys. Sometimes I look at them. Sometimes I take them, if they can be filled out in a fashion that I find amusing. Often there isn't a great deal of variety in the questions, particularly in genre of surveys that claim to be asking "weird" questions. Often the pictures are more amusing than the survey itself, as well as being quite misleading. The picture on the left, belonging to the survey titled "Have You Ever Survey No. 8", is a perfect example of this.

The URL for the survey is, if you are both interested in it's contents and have a Facebook account. But you'll be disappointed. They could have done so much with the "Have You Ever" theme and that picture. Just a few examples:
  • "Have you ever worn a giant butterfly instead of a hairband?"
  • "Have you ever kissed someone so hard that a rift in the space-time continuum formed and it rained cartoon stellar matter?"
  • "Have you ever high-fived during a kiss, only noticing afterward that your invisibility serum had partially worn off and there was nothing to high-five about?"
  • "Have you ever drunkenly kissed a princess, then later found yourself pursued by an odd shapeshifting Italian plumber?"

But no. They just want to know if you're a gun-toting schizophrenic narcissist transvestite lambaster of the elderly who sings karaoke at parties. Actually, if that describes any of my readers, I would appreciate being informed as well. Post-haste. Karaoke isn't a good idea.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Benign Passerby, or Sinister Vanguard?

I was strolling along happily one day when I chanced to meet this little fellow in my path. I thought little of it at first, merely a fellow excursionist at the zoo. Probably there for research purposes, much like my self. I found his expression somewhat peculiar, but concluded he was fearful of being trampled, so I made my apologies and moved on.

But a few steps later, I encountered another leafy traveler. This one appeared to be attempting to devour a fallen seed. Caught in the act, it froze in a position that reminded me greatly of a fellow by the name of Pacman. Amused by the similarity, I almost paused to photograph the event.

Fortunately for you, dear readers, the full weight of the situation was realized in my mind before I made that foolish mistake. If one of these fallen leaves would consume a fellow denizen of the trees in such a way, what would it do to me? It was with that thought in mind that I noticed the number of leaves in the area was much more than it had first appeared.

There I was, surrounded by a veritable gang of greenery, and I had been foolish enough to travel without so much as a match for protection. Had I dwelt upon my dismay, I have no idea what would have become of me. Fortunately I beat a hasty retreat, and survived to warn you all. Beware of leaves in fall. They are far more sinister than they at first appear.

Monday, October 11, 2010

So You Want to go to the Zoo

That's great, but there are some things you should know first. I'm here to enlighten you in regards to the rules of the zoo with my vast knowledge (I went to a zoo on Saturday, and I read their rules). Before you shrug and walk away, allow me to remind you that if you break a zoo rule, the zookeepers have the right, nay, the duty under the law, to crush you with a rhino. It's true. Look it up if you don't believe me. But that would take a lot longer than reading this, wouldn't it?

Rule #1: "Outside food and drinks are NOT ALLOWED"
Because it makes their weird mutant water bottles uncomfortable to be around norms. Plus, you might be a jerk and wrap your food in something other than standard issue Saran™ wrap. Or even gasp re-usable containers of some kind. You could choke a duck with those.

Rule #2: "Please bring all necessary medications required for anyone in your party. Zoo personnel are not allowed to administer medication."
That's right. Monkey drugs are not the same as people drugs, and zoo personnel aren't allowed to administer them to you. This is a good thing when you think about it. Otherwise they might have a little too much fun with tranquilizer darts.

Rule #3: "The zoo is the animals’ home. Please treat the zoo and the animals with respect."
Sadly, this does not mean you get to cool-guy fist bump any of the animals. I know. I was disappointed too.

Rule #4: "Glass fronts are for your protection as well as the animals’. Please look through only."
So no crashing through the glass. I'm looking at you, Koolaid Man.

Rule #5: "Observe all posted signs."
Bonus points if you pull off a Steve Irwin accent while observing the signs in their natural habitat.

Rule #6: "Slow down! Walk only on the provided public walkways and paths."
That's right, the zoo saw you running there while reading it's rules. Slow down. Stop walking on walls. And no blazing your own trails. I don't care if you got a shiny new machete for Columbus Day.

Rule #7: "Flowers and trees make our zoo beautiful. Please respect nature and our staffs’ efforts."
That means no laughing at any plants. That includes the leaf that looks like Pacman. Ahem. *innocent whistling*

Rule #8: "For their safety, please supervise children in the restroom."
Supervising children is only required in the restroom, however. Few people know this, but the restrooms are actually the most dangerous area of any zoo.

Rule #9: "Have fun, be entertained, gain education."
That's right. Fun and entertainment are mandatory at the zoo. And get yourself educated, you ignore-a-moose.

List of rules from the website of the Cameron Park Zoo. Which is actually quite nice. I just felt the need to make fun of their rules.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Introducing... That Guy

No, not me. That guy up in the left corner. I may get around to introducing my self or this blog some day. No promises. But that guy is awesome, so I'll talk about him first. I realized I could edit him out of one of the odd warning label pictures I've been collecting for a little while now. It was only after I did so that I realized I wasn't precisely sure what he was doing, even though I made him.

Is he kicking a box while raising his arms behind his head, or faced majestically away from the box he has just smartly discarded with a heel? I just don't know. But he inspired me with one feature I hope to make a regular on this blog: offering explanations for inexplicable pictures. Plus now he looks like he's scaring the birds of this shamelessly stock theme.

Ideally I'll find enough funny little signs at work to keep the feature up for awhile. If I run out, I can always start manufacturing them, and claim I'm going back to my roots if anyone complains. Tune in at this same time next week for some other guy. In the mean time, I may or may not put up any other content. Oh yeah, and long live That Guy.