Monday, October 11, 2010

So You Want to go to the Zoo

That's great, but there are some things you should know first. I'm here to enlighten you in regards to the rules of the zoo with my vast knowledge (I went to a zoo on Saturday, and I read their rules). Before you shrug and walk away, allow me to remind you that if you break a zoo rule, the zookeepers have the right, nay, the duty under the law, to crush you with a rhino. It's true. Look it up if you don't believe me. But that would take a lot longer than reading this, wouldn't it?

Rule #1: "Outside food and drinks are NOT ALLOWED"
Because it makes their weird mutant water bottles uncomfortable to be around norms. Plus, you might be a jerk and wrap your food in something other than standard issue Saran™ wrap. Or even gasp re-usable containers of some kind. You could choke a duck with those.

Rule #2: "Please bring all necessary medications required for anyone in your party. Zoo personnel are not allowed to administer medication."
That's right. Monkey drugs are not the same as people drugs, and zoo personnel aren't allowed to administer them to you. This is a good thing when you think about it. Otherwise they might have a little too much fun with tranquilizer darts.

Rule #3: "The zoo is the animals’ home. Please treat the zoo and the animals with respect."
Sadly, this does not mean you get to cool-guy fist bump any of the animals. I know. I was disappointed too.

Rule #4: "Glass fronts are for your protection as well as the animals’. Please look through only."
So no crashing through the glass. I'm looking at you, Koolaid Man.

Rule #5: "Observe all posted signs."
Bonus points if you pull off a Steve Irwin accent while observing the signs in their natural habitat.

Rule #6: "Slow down! Walk only on the provided public walkways and paths."
That's right, the zoo saw you running there while reading it's rules. Slow down. Stop walking on walls. And no blazing your own trails. I don't care if you got a shiny new machete for Columbus Day.

Rule #7: "Flowers and trees make our zoo beautiful. Please respect nature and our staffs’ efforts."
That means no laughing at any plants. That includes the leaf that looks like Pacman. Ahem. *innocent whistling*

Rule #8: "For their safety, please supervise children in the restroom."
Supervising children is only required in the restroom, however. Few people know this, but the restrooms are actually the most dangerous area of any zoo.

Rule #9: "Have fun, be entertained, gain education."
That's right. Fun and entertainment are mandatory at the zoo. And get yourself educated, you ignore-a-moose.

List of rules from the website of the Cameron Park Zoo. Which is actually quite nice. I just felt the need to make fun of their rules.

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